Styling Your Identity: Ceceily Maraya journey from Postpartum to Self-Discovery

Grab your martini and settle in for an unforgettable chat with Ceceily Maraya, the identity and style coach who's turning new moms into style mavens. As a mompreneur who navigated the murky waters of rediscovering personal style post-divorce, Cecily is the guru you never knew you needed. From sharing her transformative journey to offering sage wisdom on reclaiming your sense of self, this episode is a heart-to-heart on the ins and outs of personal style beyond the wardrobe. Whether you're reminiscing over iconic TV families or seeking your sartorial rebirth, join us for a conversation that's equal parts style workshop and soul searching.

Motherhood is a beast of beauty and chaos, and this episode tackles it head-on. Listen to stories of emotional whirlwinds, from postpartum to professional facades, and learn how to navigate the identity crisis that often follows life's seismic shifts.Laugh, cry, and find solidarity in our shared journey as we use style as an anchor in the storm, redefining what it means to emerge from these challenges with a fierce and loving grip on who we are.

Wrapping up with cheers to self-discovery, we dive into self-care essentials and affirmations' potency. Ceceily illuminates the path to best-self status with insights into neuropsychology and the magic of positive thinking. This conversation is your gateway to growth if you want to revamp your style or reassess your love language. It's more than just fashion—it's a toast to the strength and resilience.

Connect with me on Instagram at Martini Mamas Podcast.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

What's better than a regular happy hour? How about an ultimate happy hour for moms? Martini Mamas podcast is a weekly hangout for modern mamas to discuss mamahood, work-life balance, blended families and self-care. So whether you're looking for advice, community or a new bestie, you are in the right place. Cheers.

Speaker 2: 0:21

Hey guys, welcome back to the Martini Mamas podcast. Y'all know how I like to say. It's all about the poor, both figuratively and literally. Today's guest y'all. I think this is like a must-have conversation. We're going to be talking about mastering your style, rediscovering your style as a new mom. I know I'm in this like funky phase of just like who am I like, what's my fashion style and what my Pinterest? Uh, like inspo board to come to life. But let me get her on in a room, let her give you like her background and let's get into it. Hey, sisley, hey, beautiful Rika, how are you Tell people a little bit about yourself?

Speaker 2: 1:08

Yeah, absolutely. First, I just want to say thank you so much. I've listened in and I'm like of course I want to be a part. Of course I am Cecily Mariah.

Speaker 2: 1:19

I am an identity and style coach to mom entrepreneurs. I help them overcome comparison, cultivate confidence and elevate their image so they can live a stylish and purpose-led life. My background is a little different. I'm a vet, I was in the Navy. I served this great and wonderful country. Another thing, apart from my background and over 15 years of experience in retail apparel sales styling before I launched a business and became a certified stylist. I also have a background in business psychology.

Speaker 2: 2:00

Women are my thing and it's so interesting because when you're in this world of entrepreneurship, especially like in coaching, they'll say people will tell you as you grow, you know that you were your first best client.

Speaker 2: 2:15

For the transitions and the things that you went through and from becoming a divorced mom of three at the time three babies trying to grow a business, trying to finish school, trying to get certifications, working full time, doing all this stuff, you get lost in the sauce. You get lost in who you were before all of these things happened and just trying to find yourself again. So I created my agency and turned it into what is called Style Evolved, where we focus on the mindset, the fashion psychology, but beyond that we really dive into showing up as the woman that God created you to be, stylishly and effortlessly every day. So it goes beyond the closet, it's not just the clothes. Okay, I mean first of all you speaking my love language on all of that Cause you know I am after the hearts of purpose-driven women and moms and I think sometimes our mindset gets the best of us and we don't realize. I know I'm always telling my kids like the clothes. Don't make you.

Speaker 2: 3:23

You make the clothes, you know, and I think sometimes that leaves us like we forget that we make the clothes and, um, we're dressing up ourselves, we're part of the process too and we feel frumpy, so we dress frumpy. Okay, but before we get into D cause we about to get into it, we're going to do it. Let's get into this little. Mom vibe check though, mom vibe check. Okay. Now I want to know we're going to take it way back into time Are you part of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air family or are you part of the Cosby family?

Speaker 2: 4:05

Both, both, both, both, both. Simply because my older sister is six years older than me. So age, you know it's like, but I was a Fresh Prince of Bel Air kid. I love the Fresh Prince, like, come on, hillary, come on Ashley, come on, hillary, come on, ashley, come on, all of that, all of that, okay. Now, which are you? Which friend group could we catch you in? Are you girlfriends or are you living single? Oh my gosh. Girlfriends, girlfriends, who would you be? Oh my gosh. Girlfriends, girlfriends, who would you be? Oh my gosh. I mean, we all love joan, right, like we have to. But then you see yourself in all the characters. I'm sorry, I do. I see myself in all the characters. I'm sorry, I do.

Speaker 2: 5:03

I see myself in all the characters, because, honey, I was about to say I was a Tony Chow. Honey, I was a Tony, but I could get a little ratchet too. I could get a little what it's like. It's the balance. Yeah, it's the balance. We get to do all the things. We don't have to pick one, okay, we don't have to pick one, okay. I think this is like a new, this is like one of my new questions. That I think is really fun because I want to hear what people say.

Speaker 2: 5:27

Yeah, there is sort of like a rite of passage in, I know, in Black households where you got to watch certain films, play certain games and all of this stuff, especially since Color Purple has, like, came back and resurfaced. Since Color Purple has, like, came back and resurfaced, was there one particular movie that, like, you had to watch? Or was there one particular game that you had to learn to play? I have a very different background. Please don't take my black card. My parents were not having it. We, like there was no BET in my house. We used to have to like sneak and watch stuff. It was a real thing. So not until my 20s, so like a decade ago, did I really start to learn about Black America in a cultural in our way. So, like a lot of the classics, I still, I've still never seen, never seen. It's a real.

Speaker 2: 6:30

I'm gonna have to make you a list. I'm gonna have to make you a list. I tell people all the time like tell me something. I did, however, because my I'm a I'm a romance girl, I love romance. So one of the first movies I did watch when I felt free was Love Jones. It was beautiful, by far my favorite. It was so good, it was just so good. So I get to. So that's typically a topic of conversation how I was an adult before I was watching it, how I was an adult before I was watching it. But Love Jones is great, but no, my parents were not having. We can read a book. That's what we could do. Gosh, look how times have changed Y'all. That's our mom vibe check. That's our mom vibe check. So we hope that kind of took y'all down some memory lanes of just thinking like how would you answer that? I know, for me, um spades was the thing. Oh, I've never participated, but I've seen it turned into the things.

Speaker 2: 7:39

Let me tell you my husband loves spades, so like, and I can play spades, but I will not play with my husband because iades, so like, and I can play spades, but I will not play with my husband because I feel like we will be in divorce court. That see, baby, that's just a game. Like you lose that heat Emotion. I'm like play with your sister.

Speaker 2: 7:59

I'm okay, it's like we're going to have to go into some kind of contract agreement before the cards are saved On the couch. Like we're gonna have to go into some kind of contract agreement before before the car on the couch, not in your own home on the couch open some space. I digress so. So I love. I just love everything that your mission stands for for style evolved. Take me back to how we got to that point. Wow, there were so many things. Where can I start? So funny 2016,.

Speaker 2: 8:33

I was pregnant. I was becoming a mom after living with endometriosis, being told I would never have children, all of the things right, and so getting news that I was pregnant, like my entire life was changing. I was like there's a human inside of me, like what is going on. But I did it. I became a mom. I was attempting to transition out of the military, but I was like there was no way. I was going back into retail trying to be a store manager with a chat like a new, like just trying to see who I was then. So I ended up staying in the military another three years. In those three years, I had twins after that. So now here I am a new wife, a new mom and my marriage started to fail while I am trying to start a business and while I am trying to finish a degree.

Speaker 2: 9:33

And, honestly, I didn't know what was happening. I couldn't tell my up from downs. That's what the song says. I just couldn't. It was like who is this person? Who am I? How am I supposed to show up?

Speaker 2: 9:48

And I found myself in what I call an identity crisis of the when I was just doing good in my career before I had other things that were tearing me into, where I felt like I was two different people. And I went into this comparison of all the things I used to do, all the things I could do, how I used to be much more confident, how I could go into a room and just be myself. It was horrible. It was a horrible experience firsthand and I wasn't sure how to do it. But in the meantime, what was happening was I was getting clients, and just very part-time few here and there doing virtual styling. Doing virtual styling and the conversations we were having. It was as if they were experiencing the same things I was experiencing.

Speaker 2: 10:52

And I started getting a drove women who were going through a divorce, who had had children, who had been in some sort of transition of their own, where they couldn't quite place who they were anymore. We had become so used to being this version of ourselves that reflected everything that everybody else wanted of us. And now we're sitting here like who am I? With the children, with the husband, with the career, with the business, with all of these things? I have all of these titles, I wear all of these hats, but I don't know who I am and how I'm supposed to show up. So I'm going to rerun really quickly.

Speaker 2: 11:31

I journal. My mom bought my first journal when I was seven, so I truly have been journaling like my entire life and writing things down. And after I had my first son in the spring of 2016, I was fasting and praying and just like really just asking God, like what, what you want me to do, what is it I'm supposed to do? And doing? Style has, styling, has always been a part of my life, but I've always wanted to do more and I didn't really know how to do more. Again, back to that identity piece. I've been doing this one thing this is what people know, this is what they. If I try to do something else, how do I do it? And style evolves, became its thing.

Speaker 2: 12:10

I said I want to be able to impact the whole woman, not just the closet, not just her clothes, because she is so much more than that. But when we're trying to figure out who we are or if we're stuck in this state of comparing, comparing ourselves to this version of us that no longer exists, it's exhausting, it's heartbreaking, it's overwhelming. And how do you, how are you supposed to show up when you have no clue? And so I introduced rewriting your vision. Rewriting your vision with you in mind, because so many times we've taken ourselves out of our own stories and we're just a character playing these roles for everybody else. And then, when it's time to get back to us, we're like where do we start? So I use the closet just as a tool. It's just a tool. Let me pause you for a second because it's so much.

Speaker 2: 13:07

In that right, I think you're speaking to a lot of women who are in that same position, but in that balance of endometriosis, and saying you're never going to have kids, and believe in that thought for how many years? 11 years, oh. And then you get to the point where it's not only one baby. Now it's three babies In 15 months. Yeah, and it's the postpartum, it's the. I'm still breastfeeding and still feeling the need that everybody is literally pulling from me, like my existence is helping somebody else exist, literally.

Speaker 2: 13:54

And you talked a little bit about that having an impact on your marriage. Oh, yeah, was it because you couldn't support him the way he thought he needed to be supported? Or was it that you were just trying him the way he thought he needed to be supported? Or was it that you were just trying to figure it all out too Honestly, a combination of it all. You know when you're I say young and in love I was. We were 25, right, 25, 27.

Speaker 2: 14:21

Who you think you are then, that's not who you are 10 years later. Right, and I always tell I was having a conversation with my friend and I say this often you are not bound to every decision you made before. You knew who you were. You're not. You have the choice and the power to change your mind whenever, whatever it may look like. Of course, I always don't make crazy decisions emotionally and, having three children dealing with the marital issues that we were struggling with, I was still in uniform. I remember I was nominated for Sailor of the quarter, so I had a board that I had to go to and for those of you who probably don't know, that it's kind of like a promote of an award. You have to go and like present and answer questions and you have to do it in front of a group of people.

Speaker 2: 15:21

I was like five out of 215 sailors, so it was all. It was a big deal. Right, I was on maternity leave, I was breastfeeding three children. I was going through everything that I was going through and, you know, my office is like, hey, we need to see you in uniform and yeah, it was a real. It was a real thing. And so you're showing up when you say your life belongs to everybody else and you're just trying to figure it out and how that impacted my marriage was I started understanding the things that value to me.

Speaker 2: 16:02

I started to understand that I make a difference, I am needed. I started to love myself through becoming a mother, because that was never, you know, it was never really a thing. What do you mean by that? I don't know how everybody grew up, but I will say I was raised to love everybody. You love people, you care for people, you take care of people, but the notion of loving yourself was never something that was brought to the forefront. Take care of yourself, but loving yourself. What I have found and this is nothing against my parents, because I truly believe that parents do everything that they can from a great place, right as they are, learning and healing and doing the things as well.

Speaker 2: 16:51

So here I am at this time, a 28 year old mom to three, a new wife, and I didn't know me. I didn't know myself. I knew all the things I had accomplished. I knew that. I knew how to go and stand in front of people and speak and show up and do the things I was supposed to do. Right, because we're groomed to do what you're supposed to do. Show up, do your work, do well, look the part, be the part, do your work, do well, look the part, be the part. And then I was left with this like shell of a person and it took some time. So it took some time. So I would spend the next almost two years just getting to know myself as a mom, as a woman going through a divorce. That was not, that was not easy, but in that, because at the same same time I'm still helping other women, I still have to speak, I still have to show up and at one point and I shared this on my Instagram a while ago like at one point, I did feel like a fraud because of everything that I was experiencing. And now I have to go and pour into someone and I, I didn't know I was like am I supposed to be doing this and I started questioning my purpose, and one thing I will say is that everything is valuable to God and I don't know how many women of faith are going to listen to this, but there is nothing that is left that you're not going to use Like it's going to make sense. It don't make sense right now, it don't make sense in the moment, but you're going to use it all because, again, I use my experience, I use other clients' experiences to build a curriculum, to build, to continue to build my business, to expand, because this was what women needed they.

Speaker 2: 18:43

It was one thing to show up and look good but feel like a hot mess on the inside. Come on, talk to it. You can't. We can look good all day, and that's why I always say it's so much more than clothes and the more clear you are on who you are, the easier it is to get dressed. And when I talk about getting dressed, it's not just the clothes, it's never just the clothes. It's your mindset piece, it's your financial thinking, it's how you speak, your relationships, your community. You are direct reflection, all the time, of how you think and feel about yourself. And if our thoughts are not correct if our thoughts are not right, if our thoughts are not kind and loving, it's going to show up. It's going to show up. It's going to show up let's talk about that piece is getting clear on who you are. I know that a lot of women struggle with the clarity piece. They really do, and it's because they are getting pulled from every direction and they don't have time to really sit in and be still. So what are some like really practical ways that moms, mom, entrepreneurs, can really get clear on who they are in this season? Because we all evolve Right, we are ever evolving right.

Speaker 2: 20:03

And my first thing inside of my process, it is called the style pivot process S-T-Y-L-E. It stands for strategically transitioning in your life, effortlessly, meaning you need a plan. You need a plan, you need to have sound mind and I'm a person I'm going to always go back to what do you value. A lot of times our values are misplaced or we're just not sure because we've always been told what to think, how to feel, where to go, who to be, all of these things. So, in a very practical way, I use pillars physical health, wellness, financial image. Find those areas of your life and then I want you to go and write down where you are versus where you want to be, and this is where you're going to see alignment or where you're not in alignment, and sometimes that gets scary. It gets scary because you're going to see where you lack confidence. You're going to see where you lack time, where you haven't spent time on something or a specific area. You're going to see where your mindset is when it comes around money.

Speaker 2: 21:17

People talk about me all the time because I say you're a woman of value, a woman of worth. You should not be shopping at places where things cost two or three dollars unless you're thrifting, which is a which is a thing I said. Thrifting is still the biggest thing right now. Yeah, thrifting is. I am not a thrifter.

Speaker 2: 21:35

I feel like thrifting is really a skill set, and so the women who can do it I'm like you go because it's not. I know where I belong and I can't. I can't do it, but I can always sit. I can see you somewhere, but I think the more well what it is getting clear on who you are comes along with your values, what you believe, where you want to be. So many of us, what I found through my clients, through women I just have conversations with. Sometimes we're so far out of alignment that even sitting down to write out what we desire, what we want, it's so attached to everybody else's thoughts or feelings towards us. So it's like pause, pump the brakes for a minute. What do I desire? How do I want this life to look for myself?

Speaker 1: 22:24

When is the?

Speaker 2: 22:25

last time I was part of my plan. You know what this is funny that you bring that up, because I'm literally in this process of doing that right now and so I found myself, when I'm writing down all of my things, how it is attached to someone else, to something, and it's crazy, and so then I end up having to scratch it out, and so it's literally has been taking me a week to write down 25 things Wow, a week. Because and what I've been doing is is when I find myself in those moments of saying, oh, I want this, I'll write it down, because that's the genuine part of me, that want that thing, you know.

Speaker 2: 23:17

So the other day, I was like you know what, oh, I just wish I had a trainer. I wrote that down. I said trainer, I just have to find those moments and be mindful of those moments, because if not, if you sit down and try to do it, you'll say oh, I want this, but are you wanting it for you, or do you want it because it's for the kids or the husband or the, the job, or your clients, right, right yeah, so what are some practical questions?

Speaker 2: 23:48

practical questions to ask yourself. I always say how do I feel about this? Whatever the this thing is the whether it's how, your job, how, how does this job make me feel your friendships we shall approach ourselves how we care for ourselves, how we approach everything else. If something makes you uncomfortable, you're going to skedaddle on out of there. Why must we live in discomfort and being uncomfortable? So how does this make me feel? Is this in alignment with how I see myself futuristically? And that goes back to having a vision and a plan. And from your point, I love that you did it very spontaneously Like, oh, this popped in my head.

Speaker 2: 24:39

I believe our first thoughts are there for a reason, because if they're not, if one, when we're trying to focus on something, think about how many things come to you in that moment. It can be quickly overwhelming, you know, and giving yourself the time, maybe you're just washing dishes, doing laundry, out for a walk, and you say and this thought pops in your mind I want a trainer. Now that gets to go back to your pillars. If a trainer is something you want to invest in for yourself, girl, do it. Do it why? Because that's your health and wellness, that's longevity for you. That's an example for your children. How is that? How is that a bad thing? Also, it goes into the financial point of it, because if you are willing to invest, make that investment monetarily. It's not going to be like oh, I'm just spending money, no, I'm getting a return on my investment.

Speaker 2: 25:38

And so when we're able to shift our thinking like that very quickly, it changes things. It changes things. So, again, when I say, the more clear you are on who you are, the easier it is to show up, the clearer your thoughts are, the faster you're able to make better decisions instead of just making a decision for the heck of it, um, and I see that, as moms, our decisions are our children. 99 of the time, my kids are the first priority. I had to and this is a work in progress for me right, I needed to hire. Hey, I need two sitters because of one not available. I need to have time off Going through a lot of things, especially under the umbrella of single motherhood.

Speaker 2: 26:31

While I have great people around me, I still needed me, I needed to be healthy, I needed to be well, and that's been an ongoing transition, right, but I sat down one day and I wrote out what it is I wanted that to look like and while it's not a full picture yet, I'm definitely taking the steps and I'm owning the decisions.

Speaker 2: 26:56

And if I want to change my mind, because it's not what I thought it was, I changed my mind and it's okay, and that doesn't make me indecisive, that just makes me change my mind. That's it, that part right there. It's like we get tagged for being indecisive or flaky because we want to change our minds on things. That's not benefiting us, right, and I think we should just really sit in the fact that if it's not benefiting you right, if it's not mutually beneficial, let it go Right. I'm going to push ahead just a little bit because I think when we start talking about these pillars and people go through this alignment, the confidence piece does come in. But what about the women who hide in one pillar because they're strong in?

Speaker 2: 27:45

it Because they're strong in that pillar and then they don't want to attack the others, and then the other pillars that they are refusing to address is causing more havoc on their mindset.

Speaker 1: 27:55

How do they?

Speaker 2: 27:56

get out of that rut.

Speaker 2: 27:59

You have to be clear on direction, the direction you want your life to go in. And what I've seen over the years is that women some women, corporate women will take on the identity of being a corporate woman. Their job is their priority, their career is their priority. They probably have the money, but they're probably lacking in love and relationships and community. They probably look the part, but they probably also struggle with comparison to look like her. They probably. Your focus is on this one thing and you do so well in this one thing. That, unfortunately, how.

Speaker 2: 28:39

Comparison is silence. Comparison is not always out loud. Comparison is I'm going to go buy another car. Oh, I need to go buy a house now, because they just bought a house. Oh, I have to go on vacation because they just went on vacation.

Speaker 2: 28:53

Comparison doesn't always just mean oh, I wish my stomach was as flat as hers. It's not that you know like comparison can be big and comparison can also be how I shared earlier my experience comparison to a version of you that no longer exists. Sometimes, what I have seen, or over the years, what I've seen, is a woman that gets fixed in work and I'm only using work, for example. It can be any other. It could be fitness. I've seen women who are absolutely drop-dead, gorgeous body, naturally banging all the things Looks well, but when it comes to communication, relationships and other areas, don't talk about it. You just don't. And I'm not a therapist, I'm not a counselor, I'm not a counselor, I only do the work that I do. But the conversations that we have, we're able to see like we're lacking attention in these other areas because we don't know how to give ourselves the attention we need and sometimes we're not even clear on what we want. So taking that time stepping back, even clear on what we want. So taking that time stepping back. And I always say write it plainly to your like. You want a trainer? Write it down. You want to make an additional six figures? Write it down. You want to take time off? I'm not actively on social media right now for my mental health sake. I wrote that down in October, didn't know how it was going to go. Unfortunately, I ended up losing my grandmother and caused me some grief at the beginning of the year and I was like I need to take care of myself first. What does that look like? So these are the things I'm not going to do. These are the things I'm not going to do, and it's okay. I don't have to compare my journey to anybody else's. I don't have to feel like I'm missing out on something because I am not doing.

Speaker 2: 30:50

There's so many ways that comparison and lack of confidence and low self-esteem can show up when we're in this space, as moms, as business owners, for instance. We know not a lot of women-owned companies will ever hit six or will hit six figures. That's statistics. We know that. But we get online and we see all these business owners making six figures. That's all they say. And now we're like what am I doing wrong? I need to do what she did, I have to do this. And now you're stripping away whatever your uniqueness is or whatever you're supposed to do for a so if you're not even thinking about yourself in that instance, you're just copying, you're just replicating. So, even down to when it's getting dressed, you get on Pinterest, you get online and you're like oh, I like the way that looks on her. You're seeing this on her body, you're seeing this. However, she has done it. This is not always for you. Find what inspires you and make decisions and plans from there. We do not have to rinse and repeat just what we see, we don't have to do that.

Speaker 2: 32:11

I'm sorry, that was kind of pegged I went. I went.

Speaker 1: 32:14

I went all the way down, but that's okay.

Speaker 2: 32:16

Cause I'm about to bring it back up so much was there. So much was there? No really Because so much was there? So much was there? No really. Because I think, when it comes down to hiding in our business because a lot of us do, because we hide in our business because that's our strong suit, it's our passion, it gives us power, it reinvigorates us and get us going, but then, like you said, we're lacking in confidence, our self-esteem is low, we are doing a comparison thing, we're not feeling love, and that's because we refuse to address what we want to feel like in those areas.

Speaker 2: 32:52

And so, sidebar, if y'all, another thing that y'all could do is, if you really want to know what you're doing and where all your attention is, get a piece of paper, write four squares, put home, put your business, put yourself, put your passion, and then start writing down all of the things that you do in all those boxes. And when you get down to self, if you're not doing things consistently for your mind, body and soul, and if you're just like, well, I'm journaling, okay, that's for your mind, what are you doing for your body? If you're like, well, I'm just going to the gym, if you ain't, if you're not finding therapy, journaling, finding mindfulness exercises, dude? And what are you doing for your body? Um, whatever your faith is, I believe in God, y'all. I'm a Jesus lover. I'm a Jesus lover. I just want to make that clear.

Speaker 2: 33:46

But whatever your faith is, if you're not participating in that, then what are you doing for your soul? And I think it goes that way your spiritual is your mind. When you're spiritually strong, you're mentally strong. When you're mentally strong, you're physically strong. It's that CBT triangle your thoughts become actions, your actions become your. Okay, so that's a little slide plug. Y'all know I'm always going to give y'all something. I love it, I love it, I love it. But the other part of that that I really like heard you say is and we keep repeating it over and over is writing a plan and understanding what you want. But there are some societal pressures out there that gets to the best of us. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah it is, and so when you say Pinterest and all of those things.

Speaker 2: 34:41

Let's get into this fashion, though, because right now I'm just in this phase of trying to really discover who I am. But you know, what I really struggle with is identifying my body type. Girl, somebody was reading Sherri Shepherd clean the other day because it was like why would she? Wear that dress. It don't fit her body type. She up there.

Speaker 2: 35:03

She's an inverted triangle and I was like man if I what am I saying I was the so like, when we are really coming into this new thing of like, I'm throwing everything out of my closet because that's where I'm at right now. I'm just, I'm being very transparent. Look, I'm throwing everything out of my closet because I feel like, just like you, I was in the military, retired, had a baby. After I retired, thought I was going to go to the corporate space, so all my closet was corporate. Then I got rid of that, then I had a baby and then all the cute clothes that I did have. Now I don't fit and now I'm just like I'm trying to dress for my body type or dress for the body I have, which is okay.

Speaker 2: 36:00

Struggle your body, it's your body. I know it's your body. I know it's your struggle. It doesn't have to be a struggle. This is the thing. This is the thing, and I'm an educator at heart. So this is the plan. This is what anybody listening.

Speaker 2: 36:15

And for you, we're not throwing everything out of our closet. We're not because that's an emotional. That emotional, that's an emotional response to how you're feeling within right now. And if you throw everything away, you're not giving yourself time. I always say take a pause before you do anything drastic we're going to make. We're a high value women. We make sound decisions, not emotional decisions. Now, if it doesn't fit, get rid of it, let it go. Don't try to alter it. Don't try to do any of that. If it still has tags just hanging on it, you ain't touched it in three years, please let it go.

Speaker 2: 36:53

So if you're going to start removing things out of your closet, let's be strategic about it. Let's make a plan, let's get clear. So one thing that I do with my clients and inside of my business is I do what is called an image strategy session. Again, because we're talking about the full woman, not just the closet. We have to know how you see yourself now and how you desire to see yourself. So I always suggest to find inspiration, not people you want to copy. Be mindful that we don't start replicating and copying, but truly finding inspiration. And how do you find inspiration without getting what I call influencer overwhelmed is by modifying things into categories.

Speaker 2: 37:43

If y'all have not figured out by now, I'm a planner. I like things to be sorted out and categorized. So when you're scrolling through Pinterest, scrolling through Instagram and wherever else I'm not on TikTok and you're finding all your fashion finds and you're following the people that you love and you're like I love what she looks like or I love the outfit on her. Categorize what you love about it, because sometimes the photos and the videos we see they can just make us feel good and we're like, oh my gosh, she looks so good. She can genuinely just look good and you don't have to go by the outfit, because we have to make mindful decisions and this is why we have carts with six, seven items in it and keep getting our marketing. Hey, don't forget your cart, don't forget your cart, because we got carts. Business, get out. You're feeling very vulnerable right now. I'm like business.

Speaker 2: 38:43

That is a real thing that I see so often. So inside the image strategization, there's style clarity. Style clarity is taken over. It goes back to the pillars as well your skin routine, your hair routine, your health and wellness. We're looking at it all and then we're going to create an entire image budget plan, not just for your closet, because we forget about our skincare, we forget about our makeup, we forget about our hair. And now they're setting the clothes that we won't cost too much. How Did we plan for it? Did we plan for this?

Speaker 1: 39:24

Did we look for?

Speaker 2: 39:25

it. So we'll go into our closets. We're going to get rid of the things that's just been hanging there. We're going to get rid of the things that we don't feel connected to, which is okay, and when I say don't feel connected to, when you look at an item, did you buy it on a whim, did you buy it for this one event, that you probably wore it one time and never wore it again or I like to call them dust collectors and just sticking in your closet, just taking up space. So when we remove those things, we're now able to think clearly.

Speaker 2: 39:53

This is now where all your screenshots come into place. We're going to take all of our screenshots and we're going to say I like this color, I like this shirt, I like this color, I like this shirt, I like these shoes, I like her makeup, I like this hat. We're going to get so specific on what it is that we actually like. So now we can get into our body type, because sometimes we like things on bodies that don't necessarily look like ours. Or we like things because the body looks like necessarily look like ours, or we like things because the body looks like ours and that's the closest thing we could find. So we think that's the only thing we can do.

Speaker 2: 40:31

No, we're going to get our measurements and we're going to learn how to shop according to our measurements and not just thinking, oh, this is the only thing I can wear, or these are the only colors that look right on me, or, oh, when I lose some weight I will then do this. When I do, it's mine, that's mine right there, that's my go-to, why wait? When I lose some weight, I'll be like, oh, when I lose some weight, this right here, about to be on and popping like fish grease Something I share with my clients and I tell women all the time. We are constantly practicing being who we are or who we are becoming Right.

Speaker 2: 41:18

So if we're not shopping at the places now trying the clothes on. Now, when your body changes, whatever you've been doing, you're going to keep doing. It's a practice, unless I don't see it happen often. I'm just, I will be very honest, because I've seen women drop a lot of weight, go run by all these clothes and then feel like they don't wear them. They go back to leggings or tights or the same dress all the time. So make a plan, get clear and then we can get dressed from there. Well, look, first of all, we're gonna just go ahead and forward through this conversation because you all in my business, you are. No, I really I do receive all of that, because I think that is really a struggle that we're in. But good night, when you said the emotional response to want to throw everything out, it really it's like you can't throw all of you out. You know, and I think when we start to look at it in that aspect of like, when you're trying to throw your closet out, what are you trying to get rid?

Speaker 1: 42:30

of what are you?

Speaker 2: 42:30

getting rid of. That's exactly what it is.

Speaker 1: 42:34

Like what are you?

Speaker 2: 42:34

trying to get rid of. Well, we're coming down to our last question here. Well, second to last, this one is about really overcoming self-doubt and, I think, a lot of women, when we are in these spaces and we're showing up for these networking events and we don't went out and we don't bought the outfit, we got the business cards and we still walk in a room and we still feel like an imposter, like I shouldn't be here. Speak to that because I want you to speak to that, because I think if we were having a full circle moment right here, that was you. From leaving the military, getting saying I'm not gonna do this and then really showing up for other women really helped you step into the space of like, oh, I belong here, yeah, I belong here. Um, I'm very big on affirmation, so how we speak to ourselves is how we're going to show up.

Speaker 2: 43:44

Unfortunately, imposter syndrome and self-doubt is part of the journey for most of us, and I'm not a fake it till you make it, woman. I don't believe in fake it till you make it, because you can pick up personality traits that are not you. You can pick up personality traits that are not you and now you're. So. I would tell someone who is currently struggling or battling or facing that practicing being the woman you desire to be comes with a cost. It comes with a cost because you're shedding and growing at the same time. Confidence comes from knowing If you know something, you feel bold in it. When we question things you're not sure. When you're not sure, it shows. So know that you are in the right space. Know that you have worked for whatever it is that you are working towards. You have to be proud of yourself first. There's not enough awards, accolades on the planet that could make me feel any better about myself, all these degrees sitting over here, while I'm grateful for them. I worked really hard for that. You know what I mean, and so you have to remind yourself I worked for this. If you're a woman of faith, we have the right to believe divinely. God created me for this. This is not a mistake. I am not here by chance. This is not happenstance. Every single thing is always working out for my favor. Greater is he that is in me than he is in the world Like. There are so many things. You have to start speaking that over your life. I have affirmations in my bathroom. I have affirmations in my office, I have my children affirm themselves every day before they leave the house. You have to speak it first, you just have to.

Speaker 2: 45:53

And our brains? I'm really into neuropsychology, so I'm going to just throw this in here. Our brains are not smart, right. Our brains are just an orphan. We have to tell our brains what to think, do feel all of these things. Now, there are triggers, right. There are things, electric things going off everywhere, but we have to feed our brain and that's where those subconscious thoughts and those feelings and all that comes from.

Speaker 2: 46:18

So what are you feeding yourself? Mentally, spiritually, physically? See, it always goes back to who you think you are. What's the vision that you have for yourself? Are you working towards it?

Speaker 2: 46:28

If you're not, think about, and if someone is out there right now struggling with self-doubt, low self-esteem, when's the last time you poured into yourself? When is the last time you picked up a book to learn something new? When's the last time you poured into yourself? When is the last time you picked up a book to learn something new? When's the last time you challenged yourself mentally, physically, spiritually, financially? When's the last time you invested in yourself? There's so many things.

Speaker 2: 46:48

So I would just encourage the woman who feels like, how did I get here? Why am I here? I don't look the part. I don't feel this way, like bring all of that and focus back on you and it'll be hard. It will be hard, it will be uncomfortable, it'll probably suck. But I'm telling you, once you get clear and you say, hey, I don't want to stay in this space, no more, I have to get up from here and take it one day at a time. If it's one thing one day at a time, give yourself that one thing one day at a time. I'll say this I struggle with depression, I live with depression, I live with PTSD and I say I live with it because some days it does control me.

Speaker 2: 47:36

Some days it has the upper hand. But one thing that I have found is when I go back to my one thing, what is my one thing I could do this day? Sometimes it's my one thing is to read a book. Sometimes my one thing is just to take my kids to the park, and that's the one thing. I don't care if it's 630. We go. We go right now because I'm committed. I am committed to knowing who I am in, whatever season I am in, and I can honor that and there's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with that. So I hope that makes sense. That's my perspective. No, it makes all the sense in the world. I'm a faith. It till you make it, type, girl. I believe that when we put God in the midst of all that we're doing, we can't help but prevail. And I think sometimes we're trying to do God's job and he's like yo, let me do me, you do you, let me do me and you do you. And doing you is just showing up. That's half of it.

Speaker 1: 48:48

It's just showing up.

Speaker 2: 48:50

So, just like you, I've been doing like my top three and I do one thing for myself, one thing for the house, one thing for the kids, right? So the one thing for the house is, it might be laundry day, and I've been trying to stick to laundry. I noticed that I don't do well with clutter, so I've been making it a practice for me to stay on top of just little things so it doesn't get cluttered, and in that I've been feeling a whole lot better. And so, yes, like and I was over here like Arsenio Hall pump, like, yes, affirm me right now, girl, it's so good, it's so true.

Speaker 2: 49:33

I just don't think that we take enough time to really write down the affirmations we need. And so here's my shameless plug If you haven't done it, it's been over 90 days Go find out your love language and stop trying to love yourself from a place that you don't even understand how you should be loved. You know what I mean. Like you over here thinking it's all about the gifts, but really you just need affirmation. Or you are you into this thing of like, oh, it's affirmations. I want to be affirmed, but really want somebody to do something for you, so it's acts of service.

Speaker 1: 50:07

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 50:10

It's really you need a hug, it's that physical touch, you know. So I think, once we really sit down and understand our love language for this season, that's why I say, do it every 90 days. Every 90 days, every 21 days, you're creating a habit. Every 90 days you're evolving into a new era of who you are, not a new season, a new era. A new era is different. You know what I mean. Like you might be in your soft girl area, I'm in my trying to you know. That's where I'm at. Don't judge me. Um, yeah, I'm serious. But before I get out of here, this is my last question and I is what is one lesson that your mom didn't teach you? Oh, that's always the response to y'all. It always is like oh, I'm not being funny. This is a very difficult question because I tell my mom every, if not every day, all the time, if I could just be half of who she is.

Speaker 1: 51:22

What is one thing you have to learn? This is going to be funny.

Speaker 2: 51:24

My mama don't get her nails done. She does her nails and stuff herself all the time and her skin glows. She's not a woman that goes to the spa and does all this stuff. So I didn't know. I had to learn skincare. I know this is very, very like that is something I will say.

Speaker 1: 51:43

So, going to the nail salon.

Speaker 2: 51:44

I was like a whole grown woman trying to figure out, like trying to figure all that stuff out. So, to make it light, that is something that my mom mastered in her femininity. Like you know, she's just naturally. She naturally blows. Her nails are always great. And I'm over here like take me to the nearest salami. Well, let me tell you, you're not alone. So I grew up with my aunt and my aunt let me tell y'all this my aunt would like polish her nails and you know they. She had like the dentist great, like picker for your teeth and like brush her teeth, like all of the things. Right, your girl, right here.

Speaker 2: 52:25

When I joined the navy I learned about a pedicure. I said, oh, I had to learn it from my other girlfriends, and and so so I, I had the hygiene as far as like face stuff down. But you're right, like nails, and when I was younger I used to bite my nails. I did, I used to bite my nails and it was this thing of I bit my nails but I wanted long nails. It was like girl, you can't have one without. I mean, like let one thing go, you get it, you know. But you're right.

Speaker 2: 52:59

And so I will say the self-care component. I think growing up I don't know if it's just the era that we grew up in there wasn't a lot of self-care being taught. Oh no, it was demonstrated but it wasn't taught. No one taught you to put yourself first. No one taught you that it was okay to give yourself grace, and I think that's why we got a lot of adult people pleasers, because that's how we grew up. And then we break it, and then it's like you're the black sheep because you want to say no, and then it's like you're the black sheep because you want to say no. Well, y'all, this was so good, this is such a good conversation. Y'all know how we like to do it. We like to raise our glass and toast ourselves out of here. So do us the favor. We are raising our glasses to all the women who's chose herself today.

Speaker 1: 53:58

Every woman who woke up and chose herself today.

Speaker 2: 54:01

I love that Toast to you because I know that was that could have been a hard decision. Yes, toast to you. Cheers y'all. Where can they follow you at? Yes, I am on IG. If you don't see me posting, it's okay, I'm there, the Cecily at the Cecily. Mariah, oh, and don't see me posting, it's okay, I'm there, the Cecily at the Cecily.

Speaker 2: 54:18

Mariah, oh, and don't forget quarantine yourself, because if you don't, nobody else will Take care. Well, that is the end of today's show. I hope you enjoyed it. If we're not connected on Instagram, which is my favorite place to hang out, be sure to stop by and say hi at Martini Mama's podcast. Also, if you haven't done so, please follow, rate and review us. Higher ratings and higher reviews mean more dope moms can find us, and I keep bringing you fresh mom content. That matters Until next Thursday. Be blessed.