Refill with Reka | A place where Moms Thrive

Dismantling the Supermom Myth: Embracing Self-Care and Redefining Motherhood

• Reka

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Are you feeling the pressure of being a supermom? Ever wonder why it's so challenging to prioritize self-care without a side of guilt? Join us as we break down the supermom myth and discuss the importance of self-care in motherhood. From the fourth trimester stage of pregnancy to our personal postpartum experiences, we dive deep into societal expectations and how we can redefine motherhood for ourselves.

Let go of mom guilt and unrealistic expectations by acknowledging that some of our struggles are our own. In this episode, we explore how to ditch the comparison game and create a supportive network with fellow moms. We also discuss redefining motherhood and embracing our true identities. And as a bonus, we're sharing our free Self Care Cocktail plan to help jumpstart your journey to prioritizing self-care as a mom. Cheers to taking the first step toward a balanced and guilt-free life!

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Speaker 1:

What's better than a regular happy hour? How about an ultimate happy hour for moms? Martini Mama's podcast is a weekly hangout for modern mamas to discuss mom-ahood work-life balance, blended families and self-care. So whether you're looking for advice, community or a new bestie, you are in the right place. Cheers.

Speaker 2:

Welcome back to another episode of the Martini Mama's podcast, a podcast for moms who know the power of self-care and enjoys a well-deserved cocktail. Today we're going to be talking about the supermom myth and letting go of those unrealistic expectations. I'm your host, rika, let's get into it. So over the weekend I had the pleasure of intending a networking brunch And, man, when I tell y'all I left this brunch feeling so full, just mentally and spiritually, and I haven't been to one of those type of events in a very long time. I actually made a post about it on Instagram. Let me just say this The keynote speaker was so on point for me for the season that I'm in, and her key takeaway was it's my turn, and that resonated with me.

Speaker 2:

So so much because I think we get into these seasons where we began to prioritize everybody else's needs, that we don't prioritize our own. Then there was a panel before she spoke And the panel talked about self-care and how we should just really be selfish with prioritizing ourself and loving ourself and putting us first, and I thought to myself like I'm so true, but why don't we? Why don't we prioritize ourself And why is it so hard not to feel guilty when we do Like we feel guilty when we take the time and space for ourselves And I used to. But now that I am a mom of four, with a college student and a toddler, and I'm doing it over at 40, let me let you know all about prioritizing me, because I see how good I am not. I see how I'm more irritable. I lack patience. I have no, my sex drive is down. It is so much more that goes into self-care other than just looking different. I think we also need to deal with the internal as much as we deal with the external. We have to understand the traumas that happen to us and then turn it to triggers and deal with those things so that we can heal and become better moms and better colleagues, better wives and partners. And as I sat there listening to this keynote speaker deliver this speech, i began to think like, wow, it's my turn to do it, scared. But what has been holding me back is this thought that I have to do it to everything Right And instead of just focusing on the one thing, i just know that. For for that moment I was like, wow, how does this all begin? So let's talk about it. We, we become the super moms in the fourth trimester. That's when it began to develop. If you never heard the fourth trimester term, the fourth trimester term is a term that refers to the post delivery period. During the post delivery period, at least 30 percent or higher I want to say it's higher Most women are going through this postpartum stage of pregnancy.

Speaker 2:

During this stage, our hormones are all out of whack. We began to lose self because we are so much more focused on the infant that we just brought into the home. And if you are a parent with multiple kids, you are thinking about how do I still provide support and love to the other kids in the house? And so we begin to become depleted. And so when we're in this state of resources not being available and when I say resources I'm talking about support y'all we have to begin When we start talking about that village and having that village and network of women around us to support you, even your family members. We have to begin to understand that if mama not good, the baby not going to be good, the house is not going to be good, but for some reason, when we're going through this postpartum stage that can camouflage itself on his crashing.

Speaker 2:

Everything becomes so unrealistic and our view is skewed. We start doing things that become routine, which is putting everybody else ahead of ourselves, that we just becomes a matter of fact. And then we find ourselves we got to do the laundry, we got the breastfeed, we up in the middle of the night taking care of the baby, we got to get to the doctor's appointment. We have to do all of these things, And then even the walk that we go to take the baby out for a walk it's not something that we find refreshing is like oh well, i need to get some fresh air with the baby, and you know we'll. We'll make it seem as if the baby needs it, as opposed to us needing it.

Speaker 2:

We start juggling going back to work. Then, after we start going back to work, we still juggling house, home care. We still have placed all our all of everything that's in us on the back burner, and so one question that really stuck out to me was like who are you? Oftentimes, people respond with a roll Stay at home, mom. I do this. I'm a blogger, i'm a teacher, i'm a nurse, i'm a podcaster. You know, i'm this. Those are the roles that you hold, but who are you as a person?

Speaker 2:

And we lose ourself in this identity of having to be everything to everyone that we lose sight of who we truly are. And why is that? That's because society has put on us and often portrays this role of being a supermom. It's the effortlessly balancing everything with a smile on our face. The truth is, that is an unrealistic expectation And it just adds so much pressure on us and baby That's to that impossible standard. Not me. When I tried to do everything Y'all, your girl was a hot mess. I'm just gonna keep it real Like I was a hot mess And we're gonna get into some strategies help you if you're in that situation right now, some strategies to kind of pull you back to the light, right, but this supermom myth is truly a bar that is impossibly high. It makes it feels like we're felling and swelling at motherhood, which could not be further from the truth. Let me just be transparent.

Speaker 2:

The other day I was at home and I had just got finished cleaning the bathroom I mean the shower, y'all scrubbing it just the whole night with the bathroom. I cleaned up my room, i did some laundry, you know, fix the baby lunch. It was the weekend And I found myself singing. Oh man, i didn't work on my website. I start then spiraling, thinking about all the things that I didn't do instead of refocusing thinking about all the things that I did, and in that moment I had to say I am enough, i do enough, i am enough, i do enough, i am enough, i do enough. I had to say that multiple times.

Speaker 2:

The reality is is that we have to know that we are enough and we do enough. Also, it's okay to ask for help. It's okay to prioritize ourselves And if prioritizing yourself meaning that, hey, I want a clutter free room, right, i want to be able to walk in my bathroom and brush my teeth without seeing every hair product and makeup product that I own on the sink, like that's the thing, don't judge me, but I don't like the clutter And it really messes with me. All I'm saying is is that we got to get to a point where we can't, where we're trying to do everything for everyone, that we fail to realize that we're not doing anything for ourselves. So it's like the end of the rope. We're kind of gasping and grasping for everything in between just to say I need help.

Speaker 2:

Prioritizing self care is not selfish. I don't even know how many times you know, we have to say it, it may sound cliche, but if he knew was to fall off the face of the earth today, would it matter that the laundry was not done? You think they don't care about that? Do you think that they don't care that the bed wasn't made up? Do you think they don't care? No, they would much rather have you. And how do they have you longer? I know that, you know tomorrow is not promised, but while we're here today, let's take care of our mental and our physical and our spiritual. Ok, let's go ahead and do that thing.

Speaker 2:

The supermom is this dangerous thing that culture has demanded us Everything to everyone And if Lord forbid, if we got a problem with it, then we're the worst people in the world. Is those passive, aggressive ones that be like oh well, you should just be happy that you have a baby, like nah homie, no, like I love my babies, but at 40. No, i know the importance of sleep and rest. Rest is my friend. It's everybody in a house for him, for real, because when I don't have it, i am just I'm not a nice person. Let's just let me keep it there.

Speaker 2:

And I think that another thing is it's just hard, though I think it is very hard for us Us to not want to be these supermoms. When we're looking on social media And it's the all the beautiful babies Oh my gosh, her husband is delicious. Oh, what a gorgeous home and incredible vacation. Oh my God, girls night out. Oh, look at the clothes and the clear skin and all that different type of stuff Like, yeah, ok, but in reality, when we say yes to something, we're also saying no to something, right? So we have to begin to show love to ourselves. How do we do that? We start listening to our bodies. That's number one. We start finding our tribe, vocalizing when we need help. We value our time. We value our time, maybe, value your time. Stop over committing. But the last thing I'm going to say is we evaluate who we are.

Speaker 2:

In this season, little self reflection go a long way, because that false narrative of becoming the supermom, as if it could be achieved No, honey, no, that is a glorified fantasy and I'm just going to be true. I am being true to you because I tried to do it. No, i know that, being a mom, i am going to continuously involve as a person, not just in that role. There are so many levels and stages to motherhood that I think we just forget that, baby, you're a person. You're a person too. Yeah, you can go work out, have your coffee, have a muffin, go lay down, don't do the laundry. The world will continue to turn. It's not like that we on reality TV. I think sometimes we forget that light. We don't have to have it all together. We are allowed to be human. We are allowed to have that reset. Maybe, if ain't nobody told you, girl, you can sit down somewhere, allow yourself some time and space to develop And find the new woman you are in this season, because with every child you have, you become stronger in the area. You also find out where you are deficient in the area, and when I say deficient, i'm talking about promise that you haven't healed from some things that you like. Oh, my goodness, why so tricky about this? All right, because the kid is doing something that you used to do or doing something that you like. It'd be some things y'all, and we don't take the time to really sit in that. We just kind of brush past it.

Speaker 2:

My thing was them eating lunch at school. Now, the school lunches are horrible. They are. I'm just going to keep it all the way. Real. The school lunches are horrible, but I wanted my kids to have a good lunch And so I would make sure that they had different things to pack in there for lunch. And when they wouldn't pack a lunch, i used to be in my feelings like, oh man, i had to really sit in that Right, why does this bother you so much? so that, like you got to yell at the kids for not packing lunch They are right with the school lunch And I had to go back to my childhood and what was lunch like for me And why is this such a big deal for me? That's the thing.

Speaker 2:

We have to recognize that some of our issues are our issues and that we can't put them off on our kids. I'm just going to keep it real. Sometimes you'd be trying to act like it's all the kids. No, it's you. It's you The super mom. What can we do? What can we do to let go? What is a powerful lesson that we can learn in all of this?

Speaker 2:

I would say number one let go of the comparison game and embrace our own unique self so that we can incorporate those self care practices that build us. That's, that's number one Understanding that we're not alone in this journey, that we need to find our tribe that can really be a supportive network with other moms, that is really experiencing and going through what you're going through And maybe a step ahead of you so you can be like girl, already been there, did that. You're going to be all right, because sometimes we need to see the light at the end of the tunnel And it's hard when you're in the tunnel. You're like dang, like when is this over? Like getting that glimpse is something great. So, finding that community, another thing we can do is really acknowledging our feelings without feeling guilty.

Speaker 2:

I mean, with so many ups and downs of just motherhood, i know like some days we just don't got it. It's okay to feel like I just don't got it. It's okay to order the pizza for dinner. You know it really is. Why Is why?

Speaker 2:

other day my husband was light. Well, it's the summertime, you know, and you like to take a break from cooking. But I'm like that's because I got teenagers. These kids can cook their own food. I am teaching them life skills. He's like, yeah, within, where does that leave me? And you know, in that moment I wanted to feel yo-yo, i wanted to feel like.

Speaker 2:

But I said to him I said, well, honey, we're just going to have to come up with a better plan, that's it. I'm not going to feel guilty for my choice to, you know, want to cook. I said because the thing was we had Fend for Yourself, which was Friday and Saturday in our house. And I said, then you started wanting to cook on the weekends. And I said and instead of making it a life lesson where you bring the kids down and you make an experience and they, they cook with you, you took on that thing and because now he's like well, i feel like now you know cooking, it all just falls on my plate. I'm like you invited that. But your girl right here was like come on, kids, let me teach y'all how to make chicken quesadillas. And I'm just there like, ok, now put your chicken in there And this is how you season. I mean I digress, but y'all, i'm not going to feel guilty for the choices that I make And I think that's growth, because young in my marriage, i would feel like I really had to be the person like oh well, he is my husband and I'm off to cook.

Speaker 2:

And no baby, you know how to cook too. This is a house. We are a unit. Everybody lend and help me. It's just not all, mama.

Speaker 2:

Ok, the last thing I would say is really changing the narrative. Changing the narrative and redefine what motherhood is for you. Your kids need you as their mom. Somebody else couldn't handle them. God gave you those kids for a reason. I know we don't like to look at it like that, but they chose you, baby You. We are destined to be something great, and our kids are too. It's just our job to help them get to their destination. But we can't do that if we ain't here. So, honey, start taking care of yourself, because, at the end of the day, there's a difference between being a superhero and being the super mom. The superhero in you knows that you can save the day, and we save the day because we know when to put the cape on and we know when to take the cape off. The super mom That myth is that we can do everything and we have to do it by ourselves. No, i rather be a superhero than a super mom. Ok, the last thing that I want to say is if before we, you know, really you know, get out of here.

Speaker 2:

I want to talk about your self care plan And if you are really having trouble prioritizing yourself, i just want to let you know I created a special freebie just for you, called the self care cocktail. It is a downloadable resource to help you jumpstart your self care plan. It has, like, practical tools and ideas to just really help you get to where you need to be. If you want this self care cocktail freebie, just head over to my Instagram page, martini Mama's podcast, click the link in my bio and it will be right there for you. It is going to ask you for your email address. No, i'm not going to spam you, but I am going to drop in weekly to give you just some motivation When the podcast is not blasting in your ear. Ok, so download the self cocktail freebie today and take the first steps towards nurturing yourself, because you deserve it.

Speaker 2:

Well, that is the end of today's show. I hope you enjoyed it. If we're not connected on Instagram, which is my favorite place to hang out, be sure to stop by and say hi at Martini Mama's podcast. Also, if you haven't done so, please follow, rate and review us. Higher ratings and higher reviews mean more dope moms can find us and I keep bringing you fresh mom content that matters Until next Thursday. Be blessed.