Disciplining with Empathy

Ever found yourself at your wit's end, dealing with entitled behavior from your kids? I've been there too, just recently, when my son sprung a last-minute project on me. In today's episode, we're tackling this sticky situation head-on, discussing accountability, setting boundaries, and the pivotal role of self-care in our parenting journey. We'll also share some insights on how to stay sane during these challenging times - and yes, it's perfectly okay to have a cocktail in hand!

Our journey doesn't end with just managing behaviors; we're also going to get into the heart of parenting styles. Do our childhood experiences shape how we react to our children's entitlement? How can we use these moments to discipline and teach empathy and gratitude? From handling distractions like phones to modeling empathy, we're covering all the bases. And remember, no one's perfect - parenting is a challenge, and it's okay to give ourselves grace. So, grab your martini, and let's navigate this together, one sip at a time.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Dealing With Entitled Behavior in Kids
• 7:05 Parenting Styles and Teaching Empathy

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

What's better than a regular happy hour? How about an ultimate happy hour for moms? Martini Mamas podcast is a weekly hangout for modern mamas to discuss mom-ahood work-life balance, blended families and self-care. So whether you're looking for advice, community or a new bestie, you are in the right place. Cheers.

Speaker 2: 0:22

Hey mamas, welcome back to another episode of the Martini Mamas podcast, a podcast for moms who know that self-care is essential and enjoying a well-deserved cocktail is always a good idea. I'm your host, rika, and today we're going to be diving into a topic that hits close to home for me, and maybe you too, and that is are your kids entitled, spoil or baby? are you just triggered? Let's get into it. So I'm just going to go ahead and be transparent right now. These kids are trying, do you understand? And I think and I hope I'm not alone when I say this I think we've all experienced those moments when our kids show this entitled behavior And, if I'm being honest, it's like how dare you? I mean what, why And what planet did you come from? It's this expectation of me always having to say yes And I really find myself like no, i want to just say no to everything And in my mind I'm like you know what? I'm being triggered, and why am I being triggered? Can I just have a moment, y'all? Can I just go ahead and let this thing all the way out? Thank you, this is what really brought on this conversation.

Speaker 2: 1:46

My son comes to me and he goes hey, i want to know can I go over my friend's house to do my project Right Now? this is the first time that I'm hearing of this so-called project And I'm like well, when does the project do? I just start asking all the questions. This is a Monday. The project is due Thursday. He's asking to go to his friend's house on a Tuesday, and so I'm like well, what is the project? It is a history project. He gives me the deadline. I'm like well, let me see the outline. It's a group project. That's why he has to go over to the other kid's house. And so, as we go through all of this, everything, i'm like when were you assigned this project? He goes like two weeks ago. And I'm like so you're just now deciding to do this project now? Absolutely not. The answer is no. So he's looking at me like I can't believe you're telling me no, i can't go to my friend's house to do this project. That's due on Thursday. And I'm looking at him like y'all have a title for the project. Y'all don't know who's doing what in the project. Y'all have not did anything. So I was like well, if he gave it to you two weeks ago, has he been giving you time to complete this project in class. And he's like, yes. So I was like so, in two weeks y'all have done nothing. So I was like, well, what are you in class doing? Which then goes back to why you ain't got no data on your phone. Hello, like you over your data. Anyways, y'all. It just got to the point where I'm looking at this dude like are you kidding me? He's looking at me like are you kidding me? Law Story Short.

Speaker 2: 3:43

I made the boy map out a plan, y'all. I'm like this is what you're going to do. You're going to do ABCD, part of this project and then you're going to turn it over to your friends and you're going to let them finish whatever they need to finish on their part of the project. And I said and at this point, right now, i don't care how late you have to stay up, you're going to complete this. So he sits down at the table, guys, and I walk away and you know, hour pass and I'll come back. And he's just kind of like going through the motions but he's still not doing anything. I'm like look at him. I'm like what is the problem? He's like I just think it's unfair that you're making me do this. I'm like you think that it's unfair for me as your mom, as your parent, to make you complete a project that's due Y'all.

Speaker 2: 4:37

This thing took me to 10. I'm sitting up there trying to put on my gentle parenting hat. I'm trying to step into his shoes, but I am burning up on the inside. John tried not to yell. I really I was. I'm really trying to hold it together. And so then I had to explain to him right there in that moment. I said you think it's unfair because I'm holding you accountable, son. That is called parenting, and it was just like nothing went straight. He got that thing done. I'm fell asleep. It's like 12 o'clock. I'm jumping up to see like are you done yet? Are you done? yet He finally gets done.

Speaker 2: 5:20

Let me tell y'all, let me back this up a little bit. I did have to even go to the store and buy the poster board that was needed to complete the project. I do that And then come home because it was my day to cook dinner. So it's like all of these things building up and y'all, the next day he comes home he's like thanks, mom, i finished my part of the project. I handed it over to old girl. I even talked to my history teacher. He saw the part that I did and you know it will get graded accordingly. You know, even if they don't do they part, and I'm like good, because that's how group projects work.

Speaker 2: 5:59

But then, after this situation was all said and done, y'all, i had to really sit down and look at my feelings and think about, like why was so triggered? And I think I was so triggered because it is this expectation of just parents saying yes because they asked And it's like no, i'm not just going to say yes because you asked. I don't care how respectfully you ask, i don't care if you got the details to address today's house or whatever. Answer is no, especially when, like are you going to go over there at? you get out of school at four o'clock So you're going to go over there to what time, nine o'clock, to try to complete a project that y'all it just wasn't making sense. It was like y'all think y'all going to do this in one day, when he gave y'all two weeks to do it. No, thank y'all for letting me get that off my chest, but I hope, like can y'all really just understand like where I was in that moment. Oh, my gosh, it took me, like took me to 10.

Speaker 2: 7:05

But it had me thinking that, you know, with various different parenting styles and expectations, it is natural for us to raise our kids based on make us say it the promise and behaviors that we experienced in our own childhood. And sometimes our reactions might be more of our own triggers than about what the kids are doing that show them to be entitled or spoiled, right Like. I believe that that entitled behavior really stems from a source of just societal, you know, influences, lack of boundaries And sometimes it can be inconsistencies, and are caring like one. You know, one day we own, one day we off, and I think we just have to make sure that, instead of just labeling it, what it is is to like step back and make these moments become like teachable moments for our children and and be able to show them empathy as well as, you know, discipline them in that moment. And I think, if we have more open and honest conversations with them about entitlement and privilege and the importance of gratitude, a lot of that with lessened, and so that's what I find myself doing now is just really saying, hey, you know, your phone is a privilege, like you are not entitled to have a phone. That is something I give you because of A, b and C And just letting them know. Like, hey, this is not the standard. And sometimes it comes to the point where I just have to take away the distraction, like, okay, go ahead and put the phone on a banister so you can take care of A, b and C. And if you do this, try this, if there's a distraction and you know what the distraction is, whether it be the TV, whether it be the cell phone, whatever, take it away and see how much they get done, see where their focus returned And then bring it back up to them, not like hey, i took your phone, now you're more productive, but more in the sense of like man, you accomplished so much with your phone being out of the way. Like, bring it to bring it to mine, and I've done that a few times. And even the kids. Sometimes afterwards they'll come like man, i didn't know how much I was, you know, distracted by my phone And I'm just sitting there with the look y'all. You know, the look like I mean for real.

Speaker 2: 9:55

I think as modern moms, we're doing more gentle parenting and with this emphasis on connection and helping them navigate these moments to be life moments And it also reminds us to teach our kids empathy and to be passionate, and also about boundaries and nurturing those boundaries. But, baby, it ain't easy. It is definitely not easy. I was literally talking to my husband about how I grew up and there wasn't anyone who showed up for me in the important moments of my childhood And it ended up bringing my kids with me wondering how I could help them, as well as my brilliant family, i suppose I was kind of stuck in وا and explored law with youshirt, my immediate. Now I look at myself as a mom and what that has made me do is show up for everything for my kids, you know, and and feel bad when I don't show up right now. No, i'm the type of person that just wants to be in the crowd for that support, because I know what it feels like Not to have someone there.

Speaker 2: 11:05

My daughter had a Way like a little spring concert. Well, with everything going on in the schools, they start locking the doors. Well, they locked some of the parents out and so me and other group of parents. You know We weren't able to get into Cafeteria to see them play, so I missed her playing. So I had the biggest attitude And, right, i could have gotten an attitude back like girl, did you know that I was standing on waiting for you, got this baby and he, you know, like I could have made it all these things. But I know how disappointed she was And so I wanted to come back and just let her know, like yo, your feelings are valid. However, you don't have to be nasty towards me. You can show me a little bit empathy And you know, just really was breaking that situation down to her and I walked up in that thing. She wouldn't even make contact with me y'all. So, oh she, oh she worked, she and her feelings for real. Meanwhile, y'all know, uh, little ava, she up there, like that, i mean she, her biggest fan out there the crowd, she don't care if she planning or not, she just see her sister. But afterwards, you know, as we were talking and I was explaining to her, like, hey, i understand how you felt, but this is what happened. I know that you are, you also are disappointed again. That doesn't give you the right to treat me or anybody else like this. This gave me an opportunity to, you know, really recognize her emotions, but also Modeling empathy, right, it's one thing to say it, but it's another thing to like model it.

Speaker 2: 12:52

I have to learn to give myself grace and I'm gonna say that to you, you guys as well. You have to learn to give yourself grace in those moments because in the inside, i was beating myself up Oh, i should have left earlier. Oh I should have just, you know, when I dropped her off, i should have just parked the car and came, or oh, you know. So all of these things, i was beating myself up and I'm just like, no, i can't do that. I have to give myself grace because I'm only one person and and learning and just being honest with the kids that shoot, i'm growing just alongside of y'all.

Speaker 2: 13:28

In this motherhood thing, i think we have this notion that because we're mothers, that we have it all together and we have all the answers, and that could be further from the truth. I'm even telling my teenagers that like, hey, you might have to go talk to a counselor. You know, talking to a counselor is not bad. It's just that sometimes, moms, we want to fix it, and Sometimes it's not a fixable moment. Sometimes it is a moment for just to hear them out, air it out and just guide them But as a fixer, we find ourselves in these situations where we just want to take over and make it better, and we can't instantly make it better in certain situations, and so I'm learning to, you know, let that that ego, that mom ego, go away and say, no, if I ain't got it, i, you know, pass the ball to my husband. Maybe you know he's a guy, let talk to him about it. And if it's something big, hey, let's just make an appointment and just, you know, get you in and, you know, talk to your counselor.

Speaker 2: 14:36

Those are some things that I think we have to take advantage of in this gentle parenting space. Really, when we find ourselves, you know, in these moments of entitlement, but just recognize their emotions, and I think that is Yes, knowing the power of self-reflection, taking really the time to explore What's triggering me, because, honestly, it brings up some of those traumas of me being a kid and, you know, maybe I'm responding to the trauma And not to my kids. So the biggest thing that I'm learning is that gentle parenting reminds us to focus on progress and not perfection, as it relates to our kids growing up and finding ourselves in these like entitled, privileged, spoiled moments. It's about also about finding moments for self-care and processing my own feelings and seeking support when I need it, and I think that is equally as important as the support that we give our kids. So often we are cloning to them and making sure that they're good mentally, physically, you know, spiritually, all of these things. But we also have to make sure and take time to nurture ourselves, and maybe that is connecting with other mamas who understand our experiences, who are like one step ahead of us and can be like girl, been through that. Here's some stuff how I handled it And just and with a sound mind, making a decision. But also just so that we know that, girl, you ain't going crazy. We are all experiencing the same thing, but I always have to remember to celebrate their wins and my wins on this motherhood journey, recognizing and acknowledging growth in their behaviors and recognizing the growth in me, because you know sometimes where I would just spazz out, but now I'm focusing on just slowing down my emotions and just being present in that moment and just try to focus like, okay, is this really something I need to be spazzing out about, or is this kid just being a kid And half the time their maturity level it's just a kid being a kid. Some of the things that they did, we did as kids too. That's why they can't, you know, pull the wool over. I was like oh no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2: 17:18

Each year at the beginning of the school year, finding an area that I want to groom my kids in, whether it is their confidence or their mental believing that they are enough, their misraciveness maybe. You know, like my oldest, he's in college huge overthinker, so now I'm trying to pull him back, to not overthink so much. Empathy, like there's just different areas that you know. I try to sit down like, okay, we're gonna work on that this year, as I'm going throughout the year and I find these moments where it's you know, and when there is growth in it, i make sure to say it. So, as we wrap up this conversation today, i just want you guys to remember our triggers and how we process.

Speaker 2: 18:10

Feelings are essential to how we gentle parent. Let's not forget the significance of self-care to help us not spaz out but help us have the patience when those challenging moments and situations happen, and to help us practice empathy, because one thing is for sure when we are empty, we are irritable, we don't have the patience and we simply don't want to be bothered. So make sure that we're taking the time so that we can respond with love and instead of out of just you know criggers and traumas. Well, that is the end of today's show. I hope you enjoyed it. If we're not connected on Instagram, which is my favorite place to hang out, be sure to stop by and say hi at Martini Mama's podcast. Also, if you haven't done so, please follow, rate and review. Higher ratings and higher reviews mean more dope moms can find us and I keep bringing you fresh mom content. That matters Until next Thursday. Be blessed.